Zombies Take Over Amestris
by abbygubler
Summary: Zombies take over Amestris! Team Mustang escapes in an R.V. and takes it upon themselves to find the cure for Zombification. Now the only problem is, that the cure needs a philosophers stone!
1. The Mustang Squad drives to Risembool

Team Mustang was still standing strong despite the zombie apocalypse. It had been two years since the epidemic took the surrounding countries, and eight months since it got to the large cities in Amestris. The squad travelled in an R.V. with plenty of rifles, cigarettes, and computers. It was pretty beaten down from all the times that they've been attacked in the car, but it was home.

Falman and Breda was teaching Fuery to drive. Even though Fuery had never been behind the wheel, there really wasn't any risk because the Mustang R.V. was the only car in a fifty mile radius. Hell, the squad's members were probably the only _people_ in that radius. The R.V. kept jerking back and forth. The windows were down and Fuery was having a hard time hearing any of the instructions he was given. This, however, was probably to his benefit, as the commands Breda and Falman were giving to him were terrible, just awful, awful driving instructions.

"Pound it sunny! We're on the freeway and you're only driving 70!" Breda cried out to a nervous Fuery.

"The speed limit said 55! I really think 70 is fast enough." Fuery was practically in tears as he called back.

"Please, those are just a _suggestion_" Falman insisted.

Behind Falman and Fuery, there were two bunk beds across from each other with a narrow passage between them to the back of the R.V. which is where their sad excuse for a kitchen and living room was. Black Hayate was sleeping on his dog bed and Havoc was there trying to call a girl he knew from their next destination: Risembool.

They were going there because rumor had it, someone performed human transmutation. Although before the zombies came, it was a forbidden alchemical branch, during the team's excavation in Xerxes, a relic predicted that human transmutation was part of the remedy for zombification. If they were going to save the remaining Amestrians, they needed all the knowledge they could find.

Riza usually drove the R.V., but was taking a break for sleep. She rested on her top bunk with a fuzzy blanket and three pillows. She managed to fall asleep, despite the rough driving. Roy was sleeping on the other top bunk, across from her. He was snoring louder than the R.V.'s motor by decibels. Riza's eyes fluttered awake as Roy's snores became louder. She tried covering her ears with a pillow, but nothing seemed to successfully muffle his snores. She huffed and stared at the ceiling. All she wanted was to get a good six hours of sleep. She had driven over 700 miles the previous day. Then, by some miracle, for a period of ten glorious seconds, the snoring ceased. Riza held her breath, and hoped they would stop, but alas, they started up again, and this time, louder than before. Riza grabbed one of the pillows on her bed and threw it at Roy's face with all her strength. Roy bolted awake and hit his head on the ceiling.

"Owwwwwwwww" Roy held his head. Havoc walked over to the beds with the phone muffled into his shoulder.

"What the hell is going on?" Havoc asked. Riza was going to explain, but she has in a fit of laughter.

"I was innocently sleeping and I then out of no where, I was so unceremoniously awoken and she made me hit my head!" Riza was going to protest, but she was holding her stomach, she was laughing so hard, she could barely breath, let alone explain herself.

"I wouldn't call it innocent sleeping...you were snoring so loudly you would rival Rebecca." Havoc responded to Mustang, despite not knowing what happened. This, of course, only made Riza laugh harder. "It's weird that it took a zombie apocalypse for Riza to finally lighten up." Riza wiped away a tear and responded

"I was plenty lightened before, but we were co-workers in a military job, I was supposed to be stoic."

"that's true." Havoc replied. "Anyways, there's a dime on hold on this phone currently, so I have to go." Roy, miraculously heeled from his head injury, asked excitedly

"The double ds with the mole?"

"Yea, the ginger."

"Oh my. The ginger?!"

"Yea. So if you'd excuse-"

"Tell her I say hi." Roy smirked

"I will do no such thing. You'll steal her." Roy pouted.

"Riza, tell Havoc I wouldn't-" He stopped mid sentence when he looked over at her, and she was fast asleep again. She was quite beautiful when she was asleep and he let his eyes linger for a few more seconds before jumping down to "cook" some ramen.


	2. Meet the Elrics and the Rockbells

A few days later, the crew showed up at Risembool. It was nearly sundown and it was cloudy. Through the windows, they could tell that the town lived up to its standard of boring, rural life filled with sheep and a lingering sense of disappointment for missed opportunities. Okay, maybe the last description was a little too personal, and a little too similar to Jean Havoc's account of four summers ago when he came out to Risembool for a "wife search". That being said, Risembool was, in fact, deserted and quite grim.

They stopped at the train station to look for a map that would point them in the direction of a car repair shop. They eventually found an automail shop that was conveniently located next to their original destination, the Elric Household. The bus was starting to make a strange noise and they figured, since there weren't any car mechanics nearby, maybe they could help out. That is, if the owners were still living.

The lights of the automail shop were on, which was a good sign. They stepped out of the bus, one by one. They all stretched and yawned. It was nice breathing in fresh air that didn't seem polluted by the city, or rotting bodies... Riza held onto her gun, Breda cracked his knuckles, Havoc lit another stog and Roy slipped his gloves on. They didn't want to be rude, but every door or window opened, every hall passed, every car unlocked, it was all a risk.

Fallman knocked on the door. Moments later, a woman half the size of Fuery opened the door excruciatingly slowly. She held a rifle in the hand that wasn't opening the door. She was smoking a pipe, and she gave a subtle nod to Havoc who responded with the usual unspoken bond shenanigans that smokers have.

"I take it you need a place to stay?" The old lady asked. The team was taken aback by the hilarity of the small, old woman carrying a weapon larger than herself. Roy rubbed his neck and then responded,

"Actually we were hoping someone would help us with our car." Roy gestured to the R.V.

"That's a car?" The lady skeptically replied.

"Yeah, it's making a funny noise..."

"We have reason to believe that the disc break caliper is not properly mounted but we don't have any tools to adjust it." Fallman elaborated. The old woman took a puff from her pipe, and then said,

"We're happy to help anyone who isn't bitten. You're more than welcome to come inside and dry a bit before we get to work on your car. I think my grand-daughter should be able to fix it."

"Thank you m'am, we can not begin to describe how thankful we are." Fuery said.

"Don't sweat it." The lady gestured them all into the warm home. "I'm Pinako Rockbell, by the way." The crew shuffled into the house, removed their jackets but held up their arms. Pinako laughed to herself, "Yeah, I assure you, you will not be needing those in here."

"Are you sure it's wise to let your guard down ever? Even in your own home, a zombie can attack." Roy asked.

"I'm not scared of zombies, zombies are scared of me" Pinako responded with a laugh. "There's something about this house that scares them off. I don't know why, but no zombie comes near my property without cowering and limping away moments later. So quit worrying, and let's have a drink. You aren't in the military anymore." Roy and Riza looked at each other with alarm. If anything, her words only made them suspicious enough to hold onto their arms tighter.

"Who says we're military?" Roy asked.

"My son and his wife were doctors in Ishval, I know the eyes of soldiers." Relief spread throughout the room and with those words, Riza and Roy were assured that Pinako wasn't a threat. It was quite a common occurrence for the family members of dead soldiers to recognize soldiers, even when they weren't in uniform. Back in the day it was called the Familiar Mourning Ability, or FMA for short. Roy took his gloves off, and Riza hung up her gun.

"We're sorry about your loss." Riza replied with her head hung low.

"Who says they died?" Pinako teased, mocking the tone Roy had used earlier. The rest of the team was a little lost in tracking their conversation. They didn't go through the horrors of Ishval. Before Pinako could explain to the confused team, they heard a female scream from upstairs.

"GRANNY ED'S NOT LETTING ME FINISH THIS BLUEPRINT WILL YOU PLEASE MAKE HIM CHOP SOME LUMBER OR SOMETHING?!"

"WIINRYY!" They heard someone reply.

"And there's their living legacy." Pinako joked. "EDWARD IF YOU DON'T LEAVE WINRY ALONE YOU'LL STUNT HER WORK, JUST LIKE YOU DID WITH YOUR GROWTH!" A boy with golden hair and eyes ran down the stairs and with his hands in fists, he faced Pinako and screamed back,

"WHO YOU CALLING SHORTER THAN THE LIFESPAN OF THE AVERAGE DRACHMAN THIS YEAR?!"

"YOU, YOU HALF PINT ALCHEMY IDIOT." Pinako responded.

"YOU BETTER LOOK WHO'S TALKING, YOU MIDGET OLD HAG!"

The crew politely held their hands together and pretended to be interested in something else. They exhibited the shame that Pinako and Ed lacked.

"I'LL BE SURE TO NOT LET YOU WORK ON THEIR CAR, YOU STILL NEED A BOOSTER SEAT!"

"WHAT DID YOU PUT IN YOUR METAMUSIL THIS MORNING YOU WHINING SHRIMP?!"

Riza cleared her throat. The kid and Pinako looked over at Mustang and his subordinates.

"Who the hell are these people?" Ed asked.

"Military. They need their car fixed." Ed's jaw dropped.

"Since when do we help out the military?"

"Since when do shrimps speak?" Ed scowled and Riza interrupted, not wanting to have to listen to another duel,

"My name is Riza Hawkeye, this is Roy Mustang, Havoc, Breda, Fuery and Fallman. We used to be in the military. We're on our way to look for the Elric brothers. We have reason to believe that human transmutation is a vital ingredient to the remedy for zombification. But your grandmother is helping us fix our car until we can find them."

"Please, the day I'm related to her..." Ed responded. "Hey, wait a minute! You're looking for the Elric brothers?"

"Yes, we-"

"ahhahahahahahahahah! Did you hear that Al? They're looking for the Elric brothers! Man, I hear they're pretty bad ass." Ed called up to his brother who, the team presumed, was upstairs.

"Actually, we've heard their short-temper is only rivaled by their height. Hey wait..." Roy stated and then made the connection. "Please don't say your last name is Elric." Ed grinned and said

"It sure is! Hey Al, come down here and introduce yourself!" Ed called. They heard huge metal clunks from upstairs and then, someone dressed in a full suit of armor, about seven feet tall said, in the sweetest, most high-pitched voice ever, "Hello! I'm Alphonse, it's nice to meet you!"

There was a very, very awkward silence.

The silence was finally interrupted by the thud of Roy banging his head on the wall. After the fifteenth blow or so, Riza pulled at his shirt so that he'd stop.

"So, you're the kids who did human transmutation." Riza said. "That means..."

"It means we're screwed, that's what." Roy finished her thought.

Roy went back to hitting his head and the rest of the team just gaped at the two boys.


	3. The First Night

Two hours later, the team was huddled around a wooden kitchen table with Pinako at one head and Ed at the other. The teenager from upstairs, Winry, was cooking something with the help of Alphonse. It was an unbelievable story, but they had no reason to believe they lied. Ed's face just looked sad.

"Thank you for telling us." Roy said once they finished.

"Thank you for believing me." Ed responded.

"You could go on your quest for the philosopher's stone with us. We need someone who has experience in human transmutation and it isn't exactly easy to find someone..."

"not to mention the benefit of someone who doesn't have a body. The kid can't get bitten." Havoc included.

"I don't think that's a good idea. The kid is still growing, he's still just a child." Pinako stated, with a little bit of bitterness.

"Granny, I'm 12 years old, I have to make my own decisions now."

"It's completely your choice. However, I must warn that we are on our way to Central. The road is going to be tough. We have no idea how many infected people are out there, or if the military is holding up. We've made no successful communications since our headquarters in Eastern Command were taken over. In all likelihood, we may show up to a ghost town." Roy warned. Fuery gulped. Fallman patted his shoulder, he knew that Fuery had a fear of ghosts. "You know, with an accomplishment of a successful human transmutation, you could be ranked a major and be a certified state alchemist."

"Well the government doesn't even exist, at this point, so quit leading him on." Pinako stated firmly. "Winry go take a look at these people's cars, they have somewhere to be."

"You're not gonna eat first?" Winry responded, coming into the room with oven mittens and a huge, steaming pot.

"We don't wish to intrude, if it's no trouble, we'll get a look at our car whenever you have time." Riza said politely, sensing Pinako's animosity.

"Don't worry, ma'am! I'm not hungry anyways, I'll take a look at your car." The blue eyed girl smiled and tilted her head. She changed aprons and then headed out the front door. As much as WInry resented the military for taking away her parents, these people had no chance of taking Ed and Al away from her. They weren't even military anymore! Winry tried to focus on their polite manners and friendly demeanor instead.

After twenty minutes of examining the car, she finally understood the problem that the gears were creating. "Well I'd say that it will only take a few hours to fix. It just needs a few gears readjusted. Nothing serious. You can all go along and have dinner while I fix this." Winry said to the guests.

"Can we help with anything?" Havoc asked.

"No, I think I can work best alone, thank you for the offer though!" Winry replied.

Mustang's team walked back inside and Winry grabbed her automobile tools from the shed.

"Roy, clear the air with Pinako." Riza whispered so only Roy could hear.

"I know I have to, but it's true, he should be using his gifts for the good of the world. He could lead us to the cure." he responded.

"We shouldn't get there by risking the life of a 12 year old. We can figure something else out."

"You're right...As always"

Once they entered, Alphonse was setting the table while Pinako was finishing the cooking. Roy cleared his throat and said,

"Mrs. Rockbell, I wish to offer my apologies if I offended you or Edward by suggesting a military career." He glanced over at Riza for approval, who nodded and gestured for him to continue. "I'm touched by your sharing of your story, but you may chose to use your gift as you please. I will drop the subject, but if, in the future, you find that with maturity, you are willing to help us, my offer will still stand." Riza nodded approvingly.

"Jesus, she's not my mom, I'm sitting right here." Ed muttered.

"Quiet, Ed." Pinako snapped. "Whatever Ed actually says, we both accept your apology, but there's nothing to be sorry for."

"Yeah, I can't believe you think I could pass for a major, ha!" Ed added, "Imagine 'major Elric, at your service'" he imitated in a humorously low voice. Alphonse chuckled at that.

"Yeah, you sure did honor my brother! Not that his ego needed a boost..." Roy snickered at that.

"Let's get over apologies and just have a peaceful dinner. I'm sure you haven't had a home cooked meal in awhile." Pinako said.

"I don't think I've had food that wasn't out of the microwave in over a month." Fuery said exasperatedly.

Everyone ate peacefully and enjoyed the stew that Winry and Pinako made. They made polite conversation and shared some much needed laughs. In times where they were surrounded by misery and violence, the oasis of a nice family dinner was a gift too special to be squandered by past resentment.

"This food is delicious!" Fuery squealed

"My sincere compliments to the chef!" Havoc added.

"I'll be sure to tell WInry that her food impressed people who have only had microwavable ramen for a month." Pinako joked.

Coincidentally, Winry then popped in from the front door, and wiped a bead of sweat mixed with oil from her forehead.

"speak of the devil." Pinako said

"I'll ignore that. That didn't take as long as expected. Your car should be running smoothly now, but I left some tools and lube by the side of the car. You guys can just take it in case you need it in the future. I'll write the instructions for a tune up that you should give the car regularly tonight." Winry said.

"That sure is nice of you, WInry. We really owe you all one." Breda said.

"Why don't you all just spend the night here to give Winry time, rest up and then head off tomorrow?" Pinako asked.

"That sounds reasonable. We'll leave tomorrow then, guys?" He asked the team. Since the outbreak, Roy had gotten used to not giving commands to his team and instead, tried to treat them equally and consider their input on the plans. However, he was undoubtably the leader of the team. They all nodded in agreement. They were all exhausted, so no one would have been able to drive, even if Mustang had ordered it.

"Thanks again, Winry. And this food is delicious!" Riza said.

"Oh it's no problem! Fixing things and cooking are my two favorite hobbies! Riza, you can sleep in my room tonight. Ed can probably fit two other people in his room if we bring in the futon and Al's room can fit another three. If it's too cramped in either of those rooms, the living room's couch is actually pretty comfortable."

"What about Al?" Riza asked. "Where does he sleep?"

"Well...you see I..." Al hesitated. "I can't actually sleep without a body."

Everyone was quiet for a moment. As handy as it would be to have someone who doesn't have to sleep chauffer for them, the team all recognized how lonely it must be to be awake while everyone slept every day for years.

"I'm sorry for asking about that." Riza muttered.

"It's alright, don't worry! It's not so bad since Winry usually pulls all nighters with me." Al said. Riza smiled at that.

"Ed, why don't you take Al to the linen closet and help the men get settled into their rooms. Winry should eat some dinner." Pinako stated. Much to the surprise of everyone in the room, Ed obeyed and gestured for the team to follow as he led them to his and Al's rooms.

Riza stayed and stated, "I can stay with you while you eat, since we'll be sharing a room anyways."

"Okay, then I'm going to head off to my room now. I'll be up for awhile finishing some work, call me if you need anything." Pinako said and then got up and left.

Winry served herself some food, and then sat down at the table, which felt too big when only two people were eating.

"It'll be nice having a girl around here for once. Granny's great and all, but it's not like I can talk about boys and braid her hair." Winry said. Riza smiled and thought how similar this was to sleepovers. She figured that, even though she'd never been to one, girls must have actually had those.

"it's funny how even though I'm surrounded by them, I can't really talk about boys." Riza said with a smile. She'd known Winry for only a few minutes, but she was already fond of her. "Sorry my hair's not long enough to braid nicely. I was thinking about cutting it again." Riza's hair was at an awkward shoulder length. Since the epidemic, she hadn't had the luxury to find the time to even think about hair styles. Instinctually she started playing with her hair.

"And my hair is too long to do anything with. It won't hold a curl and I spend an excess amount of time grooming."

"I guess on average, our hair lengths are a good length to do a hairstyle." Riza joked. "My mother used to put her hair in a bird's tail bun. I could do one for you, if you'd like." Winry dropped the utensils she'd been using to eat and shrieked,

"Really?! I'd love that! Oh it's just like how mom would always play with my hair. Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"No problem. You finish up your meal, I'm going to clean up a bit."

"Okay." Winry smiled and finished her food as quickly as possible.

"Well here are the blankets, have a good night, bye-"

"Brother, get back here." Al yelled at Ed. "These are our guests, can you show a shred of hospitality?"

"Fine. Here are the blankets, would you like a pillow too?" Al rolled his eyes.

"Ed's going to bring over the bedding, I'll show you to our rooms." Al herded the men down the hall and showed Havoc and Roy to Ed's room and Fallman, Breda and Feury to his own. "Sorry the rooms aren't very big. The beds are nice and soft though!"

"Don't worry about it, the barracks are much smaller than this." Breda said.

"yeah, and they're not equipped with soft beds." Fuery added.

"Okay well, Al will be here with some bedding soon, have a good night!"

"Good night" The three men called.

When Ed came back from Al's room with bedding for the two men that he was going to share his room with were deep in conversation about some girl.

"I'm not saying it was justified but I'm also not saying I feel bad about it."

"You stole her and the flower shop, I'll never forgive you."

"Here's your bed stuff." Ed interrupted and threw the covers on the floor. Ed went back to the hallway, dragged in the two futons and then crashed into his own bed.

"nighty night alchemy nerds." Havoc joked as he layed on his futon and smoothed the comforter over himself.

"You guys are all fucking weird." Ed said and then turned off the light.

Winry and Riza were happily chatting about life in her room. Winry was brushing Riza's short hair and putting it in curlers. Riza didn't like messing with beauty because it was too time costly in her busy life, but it brought so much joy to Winry, that she went along and let her mess around however she wanted.

"So are you and Roy married?" Riza slightly jumped at the question.

"I'm sorry?"

"You heard me! You sure have a lot of romantic tension between you two." Winry giggled.

"Oh no, Roy and I have known each other for a long time, that's it."

"Yeah right."

"Well how about you and Ed, huh?"

"I can't date anyone who's shorter than me."

"You make a good point."

"but really, why aren't you guys together? You guys make a good pair." Riza sighed.

"We do, but we are a good pair to save Amestris. And that's more important than romance."

"hmmm that sounds irrelevant. Why can't you do both?"

"I guess you'll find out later that it just complicates things. Besides there's anti fraternization laws."

"Yeah right, you're just coming up with excuses. You don't even call him the colonel anymore, you just call him Roy but now you're gonna be all picky about military rules?"

"Oh Winry, it doesn't matter anyways. He's quite the womanizer. He could have any woman, or any zombie for heaven's sake, in Amestris. Why would he go for me?" Riza's tone was more depressing now.

"Riza!" Winry turned her around in the chair and grabbed her face. "You're a bad bitch!" Riza looked confused. "repeat it!"

"Alright I'm a bad bitch."

"Good. I'm a bad bitch who is totally hot."

"I'm a bad bitch who is totally hot."

"And I'm gonna take down the zombies and get a hot colonel boyfriend." Riza laughed,

"And I'm gonna take down the zombies and get a hot colonel boyfriend."

"Good. Now don't forget that on the road." Winry finished placing the last of the curlers. "Hey, um before we get to bed, I was wondering. When did you get your ears pierced?"

"I was 12, why do you ask?"

"Well, you see, Ed and Al gave me this gift for my birthday last year, these really beautiful earrings from Rush Valley but I haven't been able to wear them, since I don't have pierced ears. Um... Do you think you could help me pierce them?"

"Of course, Winry! I'd love to. Would your Granny mind?"

"She's as blind as a bat anyways, and no, she wouldn't, she's asked if I wanted to get them done before.

"Alright then. Do you have any needles?"

"Yeah, I have a kit right here, I just haven't been able to muster up the courage to do it."

"Don't worry, I'll help you." Riza marked where the hole would be made, took the needle, grabbed the earring, counted to three and then made the hole. Winry shut her eyes tight and prepared herself, but was surprised that it didn't hurt at all.

"I sure worked myself up for nothing." Winry said with an exhale.

"Don't be so sure, we still have the other ear and they can get sore sometimes."

"Oh boy."

"One, two three."

"Eek!"

"Alright, you officially are pierced. Congratulations, now you should really get to bed."

"I have to write down your instructions first. It'll only take a minute, I'll get to bed soon."

"Okay. Goodnight Winry."

"Goodnight Riza."


	4. Morning Sunshine

The next morning, Riza awoke to a room beautifully lit by the sun's early rays. The previous day's clouds were gone. Riza looked to her left and saw a still sleeping Winry. As she saw her sprawled out and with a pillow on her stomach, Riza remembered how violent sleeper that kid was. She lifted the covers and slid off the bed. While stretching her arms, she walked to the windows which were delightfully large. She moved the curtains out of the way and looked at the beautiful rural scenery. Riza heard a yawn and looked to Winry.

"Morning, Riza." Winry said, her hair sticking up in the back.

"Good morning, Winry. Sorry if I woke you."

"No, I didn't even hear you get up. I usually wake up around this time."

"good to know my sniper training hasn't left me."

"Ooooh guess what I have to do today?" Winry squealed.

"I don't know.

"I have to finish your hair! Silly." Riza had not forgotten about the damn curlers, they kept her up all night. She just couldn't rest her head on her pillow right.

"Well, just don't be disappointed if the curls don't turn out nicely. I really don't have a lot of hair styles that I can pull off."

"I seriously doubt that. I'll be right back to help you." Winry left the room and quickly dressed and fixed up her own hair into a ponytail. Riza also dressed. She wore a loose white tee shirt and some black leggings. She put her old military boots on because they nicely hid one of her guns. It was comical how casual she was dressed while Winry was making such a huge effort on her hair. Winry walked back into the room.

"You look nice. Here, sit." Winry said while gesturing to the seat at the vanity.

"So do you." Winry proceeded to unravel all the curls. They were very loose curls but they still took about an inch off the length.

"Wow. Winry." Riza was shocked. She instinctually kept messing with her hair in her hands.

"Don't touch it or you'll mess it up."

"Winry, it looks amazing! I'm genuinely surprised!"

"Didn't think I could do it?"

"No, I never doubted your ability but I didn't think my hair would cooperate."

"Give your hair some credit It's really healthy and shiny!"

"Remind me to call you for style advice, I now have someone I can trust."

"Trust enough to do your makeup?!"

"Well, I don't know if it's reasonable, I mean, I'm just going to be on the road today." She saw Winry frown. "but... I am a guest in your home so if it'd make you happy, you could do my makeup." Winry squealed in delight and then grabbed a tool box from a shelf. Not surprisingly, intemingled with the mascaras, lipsticks and brushes were screwdrivers, blueprints and nails.

Winry gave Riza some nice thick eyebrows, "to match dat ass" she had said, winged eyeliner, and a subtle gold eyeshadow. Winry had tried to give her a dramatic burgundy lipstick. Riza refused because she was dressed too casually. But when she took it off, some pigment remained and it was a nice compromise.

"Dah tadadaaa!" Winry sang as she spun riza around and let her look at the final product.

"Holy shit!" Riza exclaimed.

"I know, I'm good at this."

"Holy shit."

"Yup."

"Holy shit."

"Wait Riza... are you mad? I'm sorry if-"

"Winry I don't even recognize myself, I look that good. Thank you!" Riza, at a loss for words, just hugged Winry. Riza didn't usually show affection physically, but she was now very fond of this girl.

"It's perfect because it doesn't look like you have that much makeup on so you slay the game but you can also look casual." Winry said. Riza chuckled.

"I'm gonna go make you and the boys some breakfast. Though, I think I'll die of shock if they're actually awake."

"I know what you mean, Edward usually sleeps until noon. I don't know how he can sleep for like 14 hours a night."

"Maybe it's because he's growing."

"Hopefully, that idiot won't even drink his milk." Riza laughed. "There's something about stubborn guys I guess." Riza agreed, albeit silently.

* * *

><p>Havoc was the first of the three to wake up. He was desparate for a cigarette. He looked at the time.<p>

"7:30. huh." He saw the two other guys in his room still fast asleep. Well, they have to wake up at some point. "Guys wake up!" no response. "We have to get back on the road if we want to go check on that other lead!" nothing. Havoc grabbed the pillow from his mattress and hurled it at Roy's face.

"God damn it that is twice in a row that I have been so unceremoniously awoken!" Roy bellowed.

"Great, you're up. We should get going soon." Havoc responded while lighting a cigarette.

* * *

><p>Winry's eyes grew twice in size and she exclaimed, "what was that?!"<p>

"looks like Mustang's up." Riza responded. She was stirring the batter of some pancakes; Winry's choice of breakfast. "I'll bet Havoc threw a pillow at him, he always steals my moves."

"You guys have a lot of pillow fights?" Winry giggled.

"It's not much of a fight." Winry squeezed a pitcher full of orange juice and then set the table. Riza was just finishing making the last of the batter when she heard the men come downstairs which, if she didn't know any better, could easily have been mistaken for a stampede.

"Good morning guys!" Winry chirped. "Riza's almost done with breakfast, she made pancakes."

"It smells amazing." Ed said and then crashed into a chair.

"Where's Pinako?" Roy asked.

"I'm sure the old hag is still sleeping. Although that may be impossible. I thought your screaming woke everyone up in a 5 mile radius." Ed poked.

"Well technically, that's still just everyone in this house." Alphonse added.

"Al, when'd you get in?" Winry asked.

"Oh, just now. I was getting in some practice while everyone was asleep."

"Alright, the food's ready!" Riza called. She brought a huge platter of pancakes into the dining room.

"Riza your hair!" Roy yelled. Embarrassed, Riza responded,

"Is there something wrong with it?!" Fear apparent in her eyes, Havoc ameliorated the situation,

"No, I think it looks pretty good!" Roy just stood there gaping, and Havoc elbowed him.

"Thanks!" Riza and Winry replied in unison.

"Winry can take the credit, she's the one who styled it. She did my face too. Roy, honestly, is it that bad?" Riza was getting really nervous. She didn't want to admit it to herself, but she was hoping that he'd like it. Not that she styled herself for him or anything... She was an independent female, god damn it. But, she did want to him to think she was pretty.

"Who cares what he thinks, we all think you look great! Nice job not messing this one up, Win." Ed interjected. Winry responded with a wrench to the head, obviously. Where was she even keeping it? Roy was blushing furiously. Riza, for the life of her, couldn't figure out why. The rest of the team, on the other hand, had a pretty good idea as to why he was uncomfortable. Poor Roy had to keep his cool even though his ex-lieutenant and best friend got a makeover.

"Do you think Pinako would mind if we ate without her?" Riza asked Alphonse.

"She ate hours ago, she had to meet with a patient this morning."

"She didn't tell me about any patients." Winry interjected.

"It sounded urgent, so she probably didn't know about it last night or want to wake you up this morning." Al replied.

"Let's talk about it later, I'm starving." Ed responded. They all nodded and feasted on the pancakes.

* * *

><p>Because of Winry, the goodbye was a bit tearful. Saying goodbye to a friend for a long time was one thing, but saying goodbye to a friend who wasn't necessarily going to make it back alive was another.<p>

"Please don't hesitate to call if you need anything. In fact, please call just so we know you're alive." Winry begged. She was clutching onto Riza.

"Don't worry Winry, I'll be calling you about hair stuff and we all will check in and make sure you're safe." Riza said while running her hands through Winry's hair. The rest of the guys mostly nudged each other and the most sentimental goodbyes were comprised of a "later, dude" and, if the nudge didn't cut it, a "bro hug" would also do. They would sort of high five in between themselves and, with the other hand, give awkward pats on the back. 'Damn awkward white boys' Riza thought. Even if Roy was part Xingese, 'damn straight boys', right?

The team finished their goodbyes and were back on the road by 9:00. It was mostly quiet except for Fuery who was fiddling with the radio. Even though in the months that they had been travelling, not a word had come from anyone from the military, they still felt that they needed to check for a signal.

Every day, they'd hear static, sometimes some paranoid fool managed to get a wave in for his podcast. Today, however, they got a message:

"This is Mick from Northern Command. Does anyone copy?"


	5. Briggs Way or the Highway

Everyone's eyes got about four times bigger as they stared at the radio. Roy pushed his way to the front of the bus, where Fuery sat, petrified.

"Yes this is Colonel Roy Mustang with my unit, we copy." Roy spoke into the radio.

"Ah Colonel." Said a familiar voice. Roy groaned and looked up muttering,

"God damn it why did it have to be Briggs."

"We can still hear you Colonel." The voice on the other line spoke.

"My apologies, General Armstrong. What is the status of the North, and why has the military not been compromised as it has everywhere else?"

"Ha! We're tough as nails here in Briggs. No man of the North can survive if

they can't kill a bear with their hands. You think some white immortal soldiers will stop us? It's laughable really. Up here, we have those idiot zombies for breakfast." Roy mimicked her wordlessly, getting a laugh from Breda and Fallman. "I fail to see what's so funny, we see you're right outside Risenbool. A real shame, granted there's a swarm of zombies headed your way. We know their weaknesses, but if you think that our ways are funny..."

No one was laughing in the R.V., then. Hawkeye stomped on the accelerator and Havoc was preparing guns. Breda opened the roof window to get a visual on the swarm.

"She's right, Chief. There's about four dozen, at least. And what's more, they're fast." Breda announced.

"Shit." Roy said, rubbing his eyes. "General, please forgive my men, they

were not laughing at you, they were distracted by something else. Please, I will do anything if you just tell us what their weaknesses are. Please." Roy pleaded.

"Well, Colonel, I hope you have your begging pants on. I expected you to be this submissive... But you know that if you need my help there is one thing you need to tell me. One thing, and you and your unit will be safe and you will be granted passage to the zombie-free fort."

"No, never." Roy responded, knowing well what she was asking.

"Roy please!" Riza yelled.

"Is that Riza? Hello Riza! I suggest you get Roy to say the words. Of course, you already have passage into the fort, but the rest of your team will get nowhere until he says it." Olivier said, highlighting her soft spot for Riza.

"Colonel forget you fucking dignity, those pale faced freaks are going to kill us if you don't say it." Riza pleaded. "They're gaining on us, I don't know why, but these ones are fast as hell."

"Fine!" Roy said, exasperated. "Fine, fine, fine. Fucking **Fine**!"

"Tick-tock flaming Colonel." Olivier poked. Roy took a deep breath.

"Olivier Armstrong is better than I am and my hair looks sexy pushed back." A defeated Colonel responded. On the other line, they heard about eight different types of maniacal laughter and Armstrong asking,

"you got that recorded right?!"

"OLIVIER THEIR WEAKNESS, WHAT IS THEIR WEAKNESS?!"

"You're in luck, Flamey the fast ones detest fire, extreme cold, and automail. Bullets stop them, but don't kill them. It doesn't seem like anything kills them. And don't look at their face, from a distance they just look like pale gross men, but if they get close enough to you, they can manipulate your memories and shape themselves into the people who've been murdered. So even if the zombie was born yesterday, Colonel what I'm trying to say is that they could assume the face of Maes Hughes so for the love of God, Colonel, don't be a pansy, they'll kill you. Once you escape them, report back and haul ass over here, got that?!" During the long description, Breda and Havoc were furiously fighting the Zombies who were trying had jumped onto the roof and were clawing their way through the windows.

"Sir!" Roy responded to Olivier.

"And don't let Riza die." She demanded.

"Never."

Breda was working to stop the zombies who had jumped on the roof of the R.V. He shot two of them in the chest and they fell over, but not off the roof. Another one strode near the roof opening, but Breda shot it in the neck. Blood sprayed out of him and hit Breda in the face, slightly blinding him. The zombie's neck was broken and a bone was coming out of the injury, but it kept walking towards him. Breda jumped down and closed the opening.

"I can't see a damn thing. But they're the walking dead. They don't die and it's fucking terrifying." Breda half screamed.

"Havoc hand me one of the hand guns!" Riza yelled.

"You got it!" Havoc dutifully brought her two and with one hand still on the wheel, Riza shot at the zombies in front of the R.V."

"the General said they're scarred of fire. I'm going to jump up to the roof so I can have a 360 visual and not burn you guys or the R.V. in the process." Roy yelled.

"Sargent Fuery, get your ass over here." Riza screamed at a terrified Fuery was still in the same spot. He slowly mustered the strength to walk to the front, avoiding looking through the windshield where the Zombies were in view. "Listen, I need you to take the wheel. I know you're not an experienced driver but I need to cover the Colonel and Breda, Havoc and Fallman are busy. You don't even have to keep your eyes open just keep your foot firmly on the accelerator and try to stay on the road, but most of all, keep moving. Can you do this?"

"Lieutenant, I—"

"I know you can, Fuery, please. Please, I need to protect him."

"Okay, move." Riza jumped up and Fuery slid into the driver's seat. She grabbed some more weapons, mostly guns, but also one of her grandfather's old swords. She opened the roof and pushed herself up.

"Colonel?"

"Over hear, lieutenant." She turned and saw Roy snapping away to the Zombies trying to get in through the windows. "I can't fire at the ones in front of us because the wind will just throw it back in my face."

"I'll get them." She furiously shot at the dozens of Zombies in front of the bus. She hit all the ones she aimed at, but there were too many and she didn't have enough bullets. "There's too many, shit."

"Lieutenant, if you're here and I'm here, then who's driving the—" He was interrupted by a sudden acceleration. They must have been going at around 140 miles per hour. They both lost their balance and Roy fell on top of Riza for the second time in only twenty four hours. They both clung onto the R.V. for dear life. It was incredibly loud because of the speed. When the acceleration stopped, Riza said,

"Fuery. He did it." They both jumped back up and saw that Fuery was able to run over a few Zombies, but more importantly, he got throughthe herd of them and they were now safely in the distance. "Son of a bitch hasn't even been driving for a week." Roy fired behind them for good measure.

"God, I love that kid." Riza nodded and then they then jumped back down. They saw that Fuery was white as a ghost and sitting next to the driver's seat, which was occupied by Falman, now.

"Don't look at me, He's the one that save our asses. I just took over so he could rest from that scare." Falman said.

"I- I- I" Fuery mumbled.

"You, saved us, you brilliant bastard, I could kiss you!" Havoc shrieked lifting the kid up and spinning him around.

"Oh god, please don't." He responded and squirmed out of his grasp to sit on the couch. Roy joined him and patted his shoulder.

"You really did save us. It was incredible. Thank you, really." Roy said.

"It was, it was nothing." Fuery said, his eyes still blank. Riza went to the kitchen to make him some hot chocolate with cinnamon, she knew it was his favorite. She handed it over to him.

"Here, kid, take this. I'm the one who put you through this. I can't thank you enough. I know I shouldn't have asked you to do something that was gonna scare you so bad, but-"

"Don't worry about it, you were doing your job. I'm not mad at you at all, on the contrary, I'm thankful that you believed in me so much. I just am a little in shock right now, that's all." Riza nodded.

"Why don't you sleep for awhile. You can even have my pillow, the soft one that I know you've had your eyes on. Even if you're not mad at me, I still feel bad."

"Thanks, Riza. I'm sorry, lieutenant"

"There's no need to use formalities, the military is broken enough. Once we get to Briggs we can bring them up again. It can be our secret." She winked.

"Riza quit mothering him and let him sleep." Roy interjected.

"I know. You should get some sleep too." She responded.

"I think we all need to sleep. But Falman seems to be okay driving." Roy said.

"I seriously doubt he said that. It's okay, Sir, I don't mind driving."

"Lieutenant Hawkeye, don't worry about it, I'm okay driving."

"hmmm." Riza thought. "Well there's five people and four beds. Should I stay watch?"

"No, go to sleep." Roy said, while getting under some covers himself. Riza grabbed her pillow and gave it to Fuery.

"Okay I can take the couch since Havoc and Breda are already asleep on their bunks."

"the couch isn't even big enough for that Ed kid to sleep on. We can share." Riza blushed slightly.

"But sir!"

"Come on, Riza we're exhausted and I don't feel like commanding it, just do it."

"but then you're not gonna sleep well!"

"hey lieutenant?" Roy said, sitting up a little.

"Yes?" She responded, admiring his adorable (god damn it riza pull yourself can't have feelings for your commanding officer, heis not adorable, it was...um...admirable maybe? Endearing. Yeah, that's it. Endearing, like Fuery! Nope. Not like Fuery at all, that's gross. Shit, I'm so screwed.)sleepy face.

"Shut up."

"Yes sir." She said with a small laugh. "I'll be right back." Riza grabbed some pajamas from the closet. It was actually just an oversized grey shirt(now that I think of it, it may have actually been Roy's...He used to keep some clothes at my house for when he would stumble in drunk, and I adopted some of it) and some black panties. She let her hair down and then crawled into bed with Roy. He was on the side with the wall, facing it, and fast asleep. She put her hands on her stomach, over the covers. She stared up. Something wasn't right. She felt irked for some reason. Why can't I sleep? I'd be lying if I said I haven't shared a bed with Roy before. No, that sounded bad. Not like /share a bed/, share a bed, but like actually sleep on the same bed as him. After all, we were close when we were teenagers and it was comforting to sleep together or in the same tent while in Ishval. Plus, when he was drunk he would crash on my bed. So why am I so uncomfortable? She squirmed around a bit and tried sleeping on her side. Nothing helped.

Then it dawned on her. It's because I sleep on the other side. She sat up and then looked over at Roy, who was knocked out. She could very well wake him. In hindsight, she should have known this was going to turn out poorly, but she executed the plan anyways. She climbed in between the small space between Roy and the wall. Great, phase one complete. She then tried to roll her commanding officer to the other side of the tiny bunk. It took all her might, but she managed to do it. Whyyy is he so heavy?! Unfortunately, she rolled him a bit too much, and he almost fell off the bed. She quickly grabbed him by the waist and tried to lift half his body back onto the bed. HOW HAS HE NOT EVEN STIRRED? She wasn't strong enough to lift him, but she could sort of maintain his half on-half off body.

Suddenly, Roy awoke sleepily and rolled back onto the bed and stared curiously, at Riza.

"Am I dreaming?"

"shhhh! No sir, keep your voice down every one's sleeping I just always sleep on this side and then I almost rolled you off the bed and..." He was cackling and Riza hit him, playfully, not playfully at all! To get him to shut up. Falman heard the two and laughed to himself. Hopefully they don't get too weird, Fuery would never recover. "Sir, please be quiet!"

"I bet you just wanted an excuse to snuggle with me."

"All due respect sir, I just needed to be on this side."

"yeah right." He said, as he pulled her into a spooning position.

"Sir, I swear to god, I'd prefer the floor at this point." She said, half heartedly trying to get up.

"No, my Riza." He said as he pulled her in like an aggressive child over a play toy.

"God, you must be delusionally tired." Riza get your act together, girl. Delusionally isn't even a word. Just go sleep on the floor, it would be better. Sure, the Colonel is sexy as hell even when he's tired, but that's why you should go. She tried to pull away again, but his embrace just tightened and then she gave up. She turned to face him and then fell asleep in his chest. She took in his sent, and was instantly relaxed. She had no idea why he had that effect on her. She loved being the little spoon anyways, it was always warmer.


	6. We're on our way to Olivier's Fort

In the morning, Riza and Roy had their legs tangled, her face was still buried in his chest and Roy had one arm around her and was unconsciously stroking her hair with the other one. Breda had taken over for Falman and was driving. While Falman was about to climb into bed, he saw the two and made gasped loudly. Havoc and Fuery shook awake from it. Riza and Roy barely stirred.

"Holy shit." Havoc whispered. He grabbed a cigarette box and put one in his mouth.

"You owe me 1000 cenz." Fuery whispered to Falman.

"They're not official yet. They did this subconsciously. 500 cenz says Hawkeye will wake up shocked and moderately pissed." Falman responded.

"No way, I'm already in debt to you." Feury whispered back. Falman looked over at Havoc.

"Don't look at me, I agree with you." Havoc said.

Fuery sneezed and the men held their breath. They were huddled together over the bunk bed, staring at their superiors, not exactly the most professional situation for any of them. Riza's eyes fluttered open from the sound and they all bolted away. Riza caught a glimpse of them, and smiled slightly. She was too sleepy to be angry. She was about to drift off into sleep again when she realized her position with her superior officer and her eyes shot open. _Holy shit we're in public and snuggling. I'm so screwed I will never hear the end of this. _Roy was still fast asleep, his breathing heavy. Riza decided that, instead of making things awkward and making a scene out of it, she should just wake him nicely and explain to everyone why they were sleeping in the same bunk. _They'd understand...right? I mean, it only made sense to sleep on the same bed. There was really no other option and...The men are sensible, right? Yeah, no they're not I think I'll die of shock if they didn't start a bet because of it. _She groaned slightly and then nudged Roy's chest with her head. She looked up and whispered.

"Wake up sleepy head." Then it was Roy's turn to groan. He held her tighter and rolled onto his stomach, half on top of her. "Roy, wake up." She said, a little louder. She knew from experience that waking him up was a difficult task. When he used to nap at the office, nothing short of a bomb exploding would wake him up. She started flicking his head with the arm that wasn't underneath him. "Roy...Roy...Roy!" Nothing. Zilch. The man would not wake up. She looked over and saw the other men were still in bed. When she looked closer, she saw that Fuery had his glasses on. _That's odd, why would he sleep in his—No. He was spying on them. That idiot. _

A normal person would have called him out or complained later. Not Riza Hawkeye. Her instincts kicked in, she reached over Roy and under the bed where she hid a couple guns and shot a bullet that curved right next to his pillow.

"Hawkeye what the hell you could have killed me?!"

"Yup. Sorry." She said in a tone that suggested that she was anything but sorry. She placed the gun back under the bed. Roy laughed and then hugged her harder and fell back asleep in her lap.

"Not even a gunshot Sir? Really? A gunshot and you're still sleeping."

"I need my beauty sleep." He grumbled.

"It's not working then." She replied, flicking his face again. He pouted and she laughed, sliding down back into his embrace and falling asleep for another couple hours. Fuery smiled as they flirted. _I knew those phone calls were too in character to only be a cover. _

Riza woke up and she saw that it was now eight o'clock. Past her usual wake up time by hours. Usually nothing short of horse tranquilizers would put Riza back to sleep once she was awake. _Leave it to Roy Mustang. _She climbed over him, put some jeans on, and walked over to Havoc who was now driving.

"Morning lieutenant."

"Morning." She replied, sitting next to the driver's seat and enjoying the scenery. Everything had a layer of snow, but it was thing and the sun was shining. "It sure is beautiful up here."

"Yeah, it is."

"I'm sorry about your girl." Havoc winced. He hadn't been able to reconnect with the girl with the boobs and the mole because of a certain herd of zombies. He then burst into tears.

"Double Ds Riza. Double Ds!"

"I promise you that if we run into a functioning strip club up north, I'll take you up there and even pay for a lap dance. How about that?" He wiped away some tears.

"You'd really do that?"

"Of course. I always give lap dances for my friends." She blushed at what she'd said.

"What the fuck?!" Roy interjected, joining the two. "Am I not a friend of yours or something?"

"Sir, you didn't hear the rest of the conversation. I can assure you that I am not giving Havoc a lap dance myself. I'm buying one for him if we find a functioning strip club."

"Today is not my day." Roy said dejectedly. He sat down next to Riza on the last stair of the entrance. "First I wake up to a gunshot, then I'm alone..."

"You're so dramatic it's been like 10 minutes. Not even." Riza exclaimed. Havoc laughed to himself. _These idiots are head over heals..._

"Don't worry sir, you have no competition. Even if she'd asked I wouldn't have taken her up on it."

"compe-" Roy was cut off by Riza.

"Are you implying that I wouldn't give a good lap dance?!"

"Nah, lieutenant. I'm just into Double Ds plus." She smacked his arm.

"Oww! I'm gonna have a bruise there!"

"Serves you right." Roy defended.

"I'll have you know that I'm a—" She stopped and the men all gaped at her, even the ones in the back. Roy was in danger of having his jaw crash into the floor. Instead of finishing the sentence, she groaned and rubbed her temples. "We used to be such a respectable team." All the men groaned as well, not because their professionalism had all but diminished but because they expected her to finish her sentence by saying her breast size. "You are all perverts and I hate you." Riza joked, pointing at each of the men. She stood up and walked to the back, walked up to the second level and cleaned some guns to clear her mind.

Once he was out of Riza's view, Roy shook his hands in the air as if mouthing to god,

"Whyyyy? Why me?"

"You okay chief?" Roy fell onto his back and said quietly.

"She is going to be the end of me."

They didn't know that Riza could actually hear them, but she did. She bit her lip to suppress a smile. _I'm in trouble now. _


	7. Zombieland and Phone Calls

"We're gonna run out of gas soon, permission to just pull over here and see if they deserted some." Havoc yelled out to Roy, who was now reading something on the couch. Roy looked up from his school girl hentai that was cleverly hidden inside a volume of an old alchemic text book.

"Granted."

Havoc pulled the RV over and the team shuffled out of it. He pulled over and the team shuffled out of the car. The gas station had a convenience store and a car wash as well. Havoc, Breda, and Fallman all went to break the pump out the gas of the broken station. Fuery and Roy went into the convenience store to grab some supplies. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a telephone booth. She decided to go inside. In all likelihood, the phone lines were all out and she wouldn't be able to connect with anyone, but there was no harm in trying. It was likely that up north, the She walked and heard the satisfying sound of snow crunching under her boots. She pulled the door open with a bit of difficulty since a layer of ice had shut the door in.

She picked up the phone, holding her breath. She heard a dull tone in the receiver. She exhaled deeply. _Oh my god. _It worked. She wracked her brain thinking of whose phone might still be functioning. She exhaled, and punched in the digits to her grandfather's home. "We're sorry the number you've called is no longer in service—" she cut the operator off. _Why is someone even working the phone lines during a Zombie Apocalypse? _She then pressed in the numbers for her best friend. She heard the phone ring and she held her breath.

"Hello?" She heard the unmistakable voice of the brunette.

"Becca it's Riza!"

"Ri you're alive!"

"Yes, I am. Where are you? Why is your phone working?"

"I'm in North City. All the lines are working here. Where are you?"

"Why are you there? How'd you get there? And I'm making my way up to Briggs with Mustang."

"Oh. I was on a mission in the North when the outbreak got back so I stayed. And almost everything is the same in the North because the General commissioned a fort that wards off those weird pale guys."

"Lucky for you, wow."

"I know."

"Hey, I've got a personal question that's gonna sound really childish but—have you heard anything from Grumman?"

"He's alive, I know that's for sure. I haven't seen him but when I do I'll let him know you're okay. Maria told me he was throwing a fit when no one could find you or your unit. But hey, be careful Ri. Not only of the undying warrior zombies thing but the military, no, just the government in general is being sketchy right now. Just be careful. I can't really say anything on the phone because of espionage and everything, so I'll explain it in person."

"Okay. Thank God." Riza was on the verge of tears. She had spent

months thinking that her country was gone and that her family and friends were dead. She was relieved, but very, very confused. The wreckage of the places they've visited have been beyond repairable. The East had virtually no life left. How is it possible that there was still a military? How could the government retreat in the north but not come to save its people everywhere else? She figured that's what Rebecca would fill her in on.

She stepped out of the box and walked into the convenience store.

"Colonel, a word?" He looked at her strangely and nodded. They walked to the back of the store where Fuery wasn't in earshot. He was too invested in the technology part of the store. One can only hope to find someone who will look at them the way Fuery looked at those wall adapters and headphones.

"What's going on lieutenant?"

"I was just in the telephone booth outside, and it's working."

"Are you serious? In that case, I have some calls to make." He tried to walk to the booth but she pulled him back to their spot.

"Wait, Colonel. It's extremely suspicious. I called Rebecca who told me that the North is almost the same and the government is running well up there, but no campaigns have ensued the recovery of the citizens or land of the rest of Amestris. You saw the East, and Central it's an absolute wreck, almost everyone is dead."

"You're right. It is suspicious."

"Go make your calls but understand that anyone could be listening. I don't know if calling her is a good idea." Riza had read his mind. Somehow, she knew that Roy would want to call his foster mother's house. But her number was supposed to be a secret. No one was supposed to know of their professional relationship.

"There's nothing suspicious about calling your Aunt's Bar." Riza released his arm and nodded. Roy left for the booth so she decided to "shop". She grabbed a beanie saying "I love Reole" and a jacket saying "Leto is Love". Damn Reole, leave it to them to devote even their merchandise to their religion. She took a lot of warm apparel anyways. She wasn't prepared for the cold of North City; she was living in East City and hadn't expected to leave the desert anytime soon. She was looking at the various shot glasses and license plates for tourists when she heard some music. She recognized the sultry tune of Etta Jame's cover of "You Can Leave Your Hat On". She saw Fuery peak his head out of the door labeled "employees only".

"I got the sound system working!" He said with a giant grin.

"no kidding." She responded sarcastically, while grinning herself. She was dancing a little to herself, shaking her hips and lip syncing. The music was blasting and was heard by the men outside. Havoc and Breda ran into the store.

"I love this song!" Breda screamed. He started dancing with a mannequin. Havoc, unable to find another mannequin danced around Riza. She responded by dancing with him. It wasn't a romantic dance, on the contrary, they were having dorky, innocent fun. They were both doing terrible impressions of soul singers. Havoc started dancing on the table display of picture frames. Pelvic thrusting as if his life depended on it. Riza was laughing and then decided to raid the alcoholic part of the fridge. She passed everyone a bottle of beer.

After the first couple of rounds, Breda and Havoc were getting way too into it. Breda was grinding with the poor mannequin. Havoc took off his shirt and was swinging it above his head. Riza threw a horrible looking cowboy hat saying "I love Leto" at Havoc

"you can leave that on Havoc!" She yelled, continuing to dance by herself. She was twirling and twirling, not knowing where she was going. She then ungracefully collided into someone, bringing them both down and brining a few racks of jackets with them.

Riza was on top of the Colonel once again.

"Jesus Christ." He murmured. "My back." Because she was a little tipsy, she readjusted herself to straddle his hips. She removed a jacket that had fallen on his face.

"Colonel!" She screamed, removing herself from his lap. She knew it was him by his voice, but seeing him actually there and in a compromising position like that was a shock. "I'm so—"

"It's okay Riza. Having fun, you three?"

"Yeah a nice professional time." Havoc responded, still on the table.

"I think I'm in love." Breda said lying on the floor by the food, on top of his mannequin. Riza tried to ameliorate the situation by asking the Colonel about the phone call to his foster mother,

"so how did the uh...the phone call—" CRASH! Havoc was on the floor with pieces of wood surrounding him.

"Wow. Who could have seen that coming." Roy said sarcastically. He rubbed his eyes. Riza thought that she had caused him stress but his call with his aunt was the real culprit.

"I'm in massive amounts of pain.." Havoc groaned. Riza tried to help the Colonel's stress by fixing the situation.

"Get up and fix the table, Havoc! This isn't our stuff." She yelled. Havoc sat up from where he had fallen, rubbed the back of his head, then looked up.

"Why should we? It's not like the owners or anyone for that matter is coming back." Everyone in the room took in his words. He was right, of course. Being polite wasn't necessary at all.

"Yeah, in fact, FUCK THIS!" Breda screamed and hurled the mannequin into the refrigerator, breaking it open.

"Stop that Breda." Riza said.

"Let them have their fun, Lieutenant. Go crazy with the place, why not?" He said while pushing over the other racks of clothing. Riza watched them topple over horrified.

"But sir!"

"try it!" Roy responded. "It actually kinda feels good." Havoc and Fuery, at this point, were going crazy and wrecking everything. "Here, take this shot glass and smash it." She looked at him uneasily. "That's an order."

She huffed and then took the shot glass from his hand. She held it up, then released it from her fingers' grasp. It broke into pieces on the floor. "Feels good, no?" She nodded in response, then gave him a devilish grin. Roy would not have expected her next action in a million years. She pushed over the display of shot glasses and didn't even flinch as they all broke with their collision into the floor. She looked up to her Commanding Officer with a grin, as if looking for approval. He laughed and gripped his stomach. "You're incredible." He then joined his team's reckless behavior by grabbing an umbrella and smashing in the glass displays by the registers. Breda was grabbing the money from them and Havoc tore up all the fashion and news magazines. Of course, he kept the porno ones. Riza's mind was still stuck on her Commanding Officer calling her incredible. He was too buys to see her face blush, but it was red, alright.

The tracks had gone from the sultry Etta James to something much more modern and promiscuous. If Roy hadn't have spent an excessive amount of time in bars and stripclubs he wouldn't have recognized the tune currently playing of Porn Star Dancing by My Darkest Days.

"nice choice Fuery!" Havoc called while continuing to dance by himself. He had pulled out a bottle of Whiskey from the fridge and had downed half of it. Roy wouldn't have called this song "nice" but it sure was entertaining.

Riza had found a chair to sit and drink her alcohol on. Breda had found her way over to her and started giving her a half lap dance, half drunken nonsense.

"Jesus Christ Breda." She muttered. Havoc then joined him, and that's when Riza lost it. The way those men were completely and utterly losing all sense of dignity and failing miserably at any attempt at sexiness was too much. She pretended to "make it rain" on her friends. Then grabbed some cenz from her pocket and threw it at them. Breda then stopped dancing and, in a half rage, collected every last piece of money. He then got up in Riza's face and wriggled his eyebrows.

"Bed you didn't know I was Jewish." He racistly joked. If Riza didn't know that he was, in fact, Jewish she wouldn't have laughed. Between the two men, she saw Roy pouting on the other side of the room. He was on a different chair, with his arms crossed. "Aww look at Mr. Sour Puss not getting his lieutenant for lap dance fun." Breda mocked.

"Watch it Breda." Roy said in a serious tone.

"Oh Come on sir." Riza said, standing up and walking her way over to him. "We can give you a lap dance too." She did some of the same dances that Havoc and Breda were doing, she had her hands up and rolled her hips in circles. But the fact that she was a woman made it sexy, not comical. Roy's jaw was on the floor, but Breda and Havoc started joining her. It was actually in Roy's best interest for them to join, not because he wanted to see them dancing (good god no one should have wanted that) but because it made Riza comfortable and she could get more into it, throwing off her beanie, straddling Mustang and throwing her head back while Havoc fake ground into the chair. Mustang was unabashedly staring at his lieutenant breasts which were bouncing with her movements up and down.

Now that this was the most humiliating position to be caught in, it was only natural that Fuery were to walk back into the room at this time.

"What the fuck." Fuery whispered.

Both parties were shocked, though. Breda screamed and ran out of the store and into the R.V. In Fuery's arms was a black and white Shiba Inu. It was a puppy and damn cute, but a surprise none the less. "I thought you guys would be wondering where I was but..." Everyone on the lap dancing side was embarrassed to say that they hadn't even noticed, but they ignored that.

"We were just having too much fun and we drank too much." Riza said, slipping off Mustang's lap and falling backwards onto the floor.

"Careful." Mustang reached out to pick his lieutenant back up.

"Uh huh." Fuery replied. "Well I found this guy outside and I didn't want to leave him there. But I guess we could discuss it later. I'll go put the music back on." Fuery was blushing furiously thinking that he had just witnessed a four way.

"Fuery we weren't serious or anything we were just enjoying the music and got into it, for real. Keep the puppy. We've been jerks to you for the past two days." Roy told the kid.

"Really?!" Fuery said, with stars in his eyes.

"On one condition." Roy responded. Fuery gulped. "Hawkeye's training him." Fuery's eyes widened and he grinned with joy.

"Oh thank you, sir! You are not going to regret this!"

"But watch out." Riza said holding up her gun. "He's got a strict mommy now." Fuery gulped again and then scooted his way out of the store and into the R.V. He privately thanked himself for bringing in all the supplies to the R.V. before they left. Heavens knew he was NOT going to go back into that convenience store if his life depended on it.


	8. Tell the Guards to Open Up the Gates

A week of awkwardness between the team had passed. The dog, named Black Hayate had been trained, and quickly too (shout out to Riza and her gun). The weather had gotten colder and colder and the Leore apparel was a necessity if anyone needed to leave the R.V. They arrived in North City, to find annoying amounts of traffic surrounding the border. A bustling city, the North seemed almost unaffected by the zombie infestation. Riza drove the ridiculously sized R.V. through the 14 hour line towards the inspection area. Black Hayate was taken from the unit and given grief in a completely different area. Riza was divided from the men and sorted into a room with some other women. The men outnumbered the women some 4:1. Some medics took a humiliating inspection of the group, checking for any signs of infestation.

"Can I see valid ID and permission verification?" The guard asked. Riza reached for her wallet and took out her military ID.

"Sir, I don't have permission verification, and I don't I know what that is, quite frankly."

"Lt. Hawkeye, our sincere apologies. The General is waiting for you through the gates." He said, bowing slightly and gesturing for her to leave the room.

When she left, she found an Ishvalan named Miles. She recognized him from the last time they were in the north and she saluted with a sad smile, remembering all the terrible things she'd done to his people.

"It's good to see you Lieutenant, I trust you are well."

"It's good to see you too, Major. I've been better, but we're holding up." She knew he was a man of little words, but she just had to know. "So where's the rest of my unit?" He didn't respond. She found it suspicious, but she decided to wait and ask the general instead of bothering Miles. Lord knew the last thing in her rights would be asking anything else from an Ishvalan.

They arrived to a large wooden double door which he knocked on, said a random slew of words, _A password, _Riza thought and the doors opened. Inside was a large room with fantastically large windows, fine furniture, a well stocked bar in a corner, an elegant oak desk and a grand chair in which the General was sitting in. Riza and Miles saluted, which the general quickly dismissed.

"How've you been, Lieutenant?" She asked in her strong voice.

"To be perfectly honest, I've been better. It's been a rough couple of months for the rest of the country." _For the rest of the world. _

"Indeed it has." She stood up and paced the room along the windows, staring at the gorgeous view. "We have some sensitive matters to discuss. Miles, I'll see you in an hour." Miles saluted and left the room, closing the doors behind him.

"If you wouldn't mind my asking, where's my superior officer?" Riza asked. General Armstrong sighed, she was relieved that finally someone had spoken to her in a non-timid voice. It had been the first time in months that someone had asked her for something without someone looking like they were about to piss themselves.

"You mean your SO?" The General asked with a proud smile on her face. She had been trying to understand the new lingo used by her younger subordinates, especially those from central. Riza was blushing profusely.

"Uh-Certaintly not, sir! I mean, uh, who told you he was" Riza gulped, "_that. _I mean he's just-uh..." Olivier's face was scrunched in confusion. "Sir, do you know what SO means? Or did you just say it thinking it was short for Superior Officer?" The general gave a frown and then asked quietly,

"What does SO mean?"

"Well in the East and most places, actually, it means significant other, like uh a lover or something."

"huh..." The General said with one last glance out the window. "I'm going to go ring Bucaneer's neck."

"Um before you go, and by the way, I'm totally in support of that.. but would you mind telling me where the Colonel is?"

"Oh he's in a jail cell." She said so nonchalantly.

"General, would you mind explaining to me why my Colonel is being detained?"

"He once said he thought handcuffs and bondage were fun so I thought I'd give him some."

_How clueless is this lady. _"Uh, are you sure he was speaking in a strictly literal or platonic version of bonodage? Because it's very likely that the Colonel was speaking of something with more of uh...a perverted bondage."

"Yes, that would make more sense." The General responded, finally fitting the pieces together. She had too much confidence to be embarrassed, but she sure did find a lot of amusement in Roy being chained up for no reason. "Here's the key, go get him. The rest of the unit is being shown to the barracks." Riza nodded and caught the key.

"You remember where the cells are?"

"How could I forget."

"Atta girl. I'll tell Buccaneer you say hello." They saluted each other and then went their separate way.

In the basement of General Armstrong's command center in North City (not so fearsome as her fort in briggs by far) sat Roy Mustang in a pathetic looking cell. He was lying down on a dink bed, hands chained to it.

"In any other case I'd be happy to have a woman do this to me" Roy muttered to himself. He then heard some footsteps growing louder. "Please be Riza, Please be Riza, Please be- RIZA!" Sure enough, Riza walked into the room ready to unlock the chains or whatever contraptions Olivier had put Roy into. She rolled her eyes at her Colonel.

"Surprisingly this isn't the first time I've had to uncuff you from a bed."

"And not even in the good way." He voiced in a regretful tone.

"Well if you would stop making jokes in front of Armstrong you'd be in a better position. She doesn't really understand humor."

"Why would she think that I enjoy this?"

"Why would you tell the General known as the Impregnable Northern Wall a sex joke?" Roy rubbed his eyes.

"I don't know I didn't think she'd take it seriously or even remember it."

"Well, Colonel, have you learned your lesson?"

"I won't underestimate her again."

"Right. She asked me to get that on recording, I hope you don't mind."

"She didn't." Roy said, shocked.

"No, she didn't. I just wanted to see the look on your face." Roy grinned. "Definitely worth it."

A few hours later, the team regrouped in Mustang's room. It was generously decorated with rubber ducks, thanks to the General.

"We've been issued a car so we don't have to go around looking like morons in that trashcan of an R.V." Roy addressed. "And I have a few errands to run today, so you can all take the day off. Well, of course, except you Hawkeye." The team all looked relieved and Hawkeye rolled her eyes, on instinct. But in reality, she wouldn't have it any other way.

"Yes sir." Hawkeye said while watching the rest of the men shuffling out of the room. She watched as Roy put his buttoned up his denim long sleeve shirt (he had a white t-shirt underneath so it was hardly promiscuous of him to be buttoning it up), flattened out his dark pants, tied his brown leather shoes, adjusted the childish stripped socks he wore, grabbed his black coat and offered Riza a beanie he had gotten from god-knows-where from god-knows-how-long-ago. She accepted and put it on, liking how silly it was. She, herself was wearing black boots, ones that laced up to her knees (yay! more room for weapons!), black jeans tucked into the boots, and a hoodie. She was also holding her own denim jacket for when they stepped outside.

They got into the car that Roy had gotten.

"Really? _Really, _Sir?" Hawkeye said at first glance of the car.

"Yup!" Mustang said proudly, getting into the passenger's seat. Riza rolled her eyes and got into the (get this) Mustang.

"Don't you usually sit in the back?"

"There's more space up here."

"Oh."

"Plus, I get to look at you more." Riza blushed and turned her head and then blushed some more. She thought he had meant her, but he was stroking the car, lovingly. _See? He doesn't like you. He cares more about a car than he does you. Don't take it personally, Riza. This man is Amestris' top bachelor, what did you expect? _Riza's self esteem had all but plummeted. "And I need to give you directions." Yup now it's underground.

"Yes, sir." Riza started the car and drove out of the parking lot and through the driveway of the center. He directed her into the downtown area, but then got them hopelessly lost. On top of everything, plenty of the streets were one-way and Roy had all but given up. "Perhaps I should call some hel-"

"ABSOLUTELY NOT."

"All due respect, sir, but I think this situation is perfect to go ask for help."

"I will jump out of the car if you do that." Riza groaned and thought privately, _Men. _

They drove past a posh looking street beautifully lit with Christmas lights.

"Oh, hey. It's almost Christmas!" Roy exclaimed. Riza looked over at her commanding officer and laughed at how his face looked like a puppy's.

"Indeed, sir." They passed an especially popular looking bar and Roy muttered,

"speak of the devil." Roy laughed to himself then commanded, "Park the car in the back of this place."

"Sir, are you saying I should park mustang in the rear entrance?"

"Lieutenant, I'm going to ignore that you said that."

"You really should get used to it. The rest of the team is going to have a field day with gay jokes tomorrow once they see your choice of car." Riza said matter of factly.

Roy huffed and crossed his arms. Riza smiled to herself while she parked the car. Roy got out of the car without so much as looking at her and walked over to the back entrance.

It was a dark bar with bricks and black awnings bordered with a strip of white. Lights wrapped around the plants. Roy was about to open the dark red door when a pretty (and busty) girl ran out of the bar and jumped up on Roy.

"Roy, you're back!" The woman said in a squeaky voice. "I think you owe me a date. We have so much to discuss!" She winked at Roy and Riza thought she was going to vomit. She was shorter than Riza and more feminine. She was wearing a maroon figure-hugging dress and had light, long brown hair that was well styled.

"It's good to see you too, Vanessa." Roy responded, hugging the woman and smiling. Riza took a deep breath and tried to ignore her jealousy. Her cheeks were a bit red and she looked away, fearing that if she looked at the woman any longer she might clonk her. Riza cleared her throat, it felt like something was lodged in it. Roy mistook it as a way to get his attention.

"Right, Lieutenant. This is Madeline. She works for Christmas." He said maintaining an arm around her waist. Madeline turned to look at her with a huge smile. Riza didn't return it, and just glared at the two of them instead. Roy ignored it and ushered Madeline into the bar, Riza following him.

It was dark, with leather stools and chairs. Each table had a candle and the bar counter had hanging lights. It had a wooden dance floor and a small stage with a velvet curtain. Behind the bar, Christmas was making some people drinks and other pretty girls were cleaning and serving. She thanked god that Christmas was there, she'd always been nice to her. Riza automatically respected any woman working in her field. It was hard as hell out there and any woman had to be tough as nails if they were gonna survive a day.

"Well if it isn't our little Roy Boy." Christmas teased, setting down a glass full of a dark red substance.

"Hey Madame Christmas, it's been awhile." Roy said, slightly abashed. "I love the new place."

"Of course you do, it's the finest in town."

"Sure is!" A drunk customer added in.

"Was I talking to you?" Christmas asked the customer sharply. He cowered and resumed his drinking. "Riza, it's always a pleasure to see you. I'm glad that you protected our Royboy while we were all off the grid."

"You should address her as lieutenant Hawkeye, you know." One of the pretty girls serving said. Riza was shocked that a girl like that knew that about her.

"Do I know you?" Riza asked before she could stop herself. Roy laughed and removed himself from Madeline's grip and whispered in Riza's ear,

"she works for Christmas."

"Yes I can see that." Riza grumbled. Roy looked a little confused at his lieutenant's anger, but resumed his conversation with Madeline. Riza heard them say something about muscles and she quickly averted her eyes, and wished she could avert her ears before the conversation played out. She'd seen this scene a billion times before in movies and sometimes in real life itself. The woman would bring muscles up, the man would brag, he'd show some muscles off, the girl would touch them and then once the barrier of physical contact was broken...poof! She'd seen Roy go on dates with countless other girls but for some reason now, it was hurting her. It was hurting her like hell and she could do nothing but watch his back like she always had. But that was what she chose. Right? It was her decision to be his subordinate and nothing else.

"So, Riza, tell me, would you be interested in helping us out tonight?" Christmas asked her. Riza was glad to have a distraction from her suffocating thought on her superior officer.

"I don't really have any experience, but I'm sure I could help out with a few things." Riza replied. She thought it would be funny to work at a bar, but she could take some wash some dishes and take orders, after all, she did do that professionally in the military. A night out and away from her thoughts would probably be good for her.

"why thank you, dear. I'll go call Becca to go prepare you."

Riza was a bit confused as to who this 'Becca' girl was and what she needed to be prepared for if she was just going to be helping out in a bar. Her questions were answered as she heard some noise from the upstairs, some crashing of steps down the stairs, and a yell as her very own best friend ran to her and jumped onto her, much like Madeline did with Roy.

"Rizzaaaa! You're alive! Oh my god I've missed you!" Rebecca squeezed Riza hard and only when Riza started making choking sounds did she let go.

"Becca it's been awhile!" Riza smiled. She sure did miss having her own friends around. It would be nice to be able to openly talk with a girl again.

"Let's go upstairs, I'll tell you everything you need to know. It's way too crowded in here. Much too stuffy." Rebecca pulled on Riza's shirt and half dragged her up the stairs.

Riza was as confused as ever as she was brought into a dressing room.

"Can you please explain to me what is going on." Riza asked, exasperated.

"Well right now Christmas is drawing in on Kimblee. They heard from someone that he might be coming here tonight."

"Rebecca, you are going to need to back up like crazy. Why are you working in a bar?"

The Second Lieutenant looked at her best friend weirdly.

"Riza are you feeling okay? You're usually much more on top of things."

"Jesus, Rebecca it's been five minutes and you're already criticizing me?"

"I'm sorry. That was uncalled for, but really. I'm not working in a bar. I'm working for Christmas."

"What's the difference?"

"You don't already know? I've always assumed... Well, you see, Christmas runs the informant operations for Grumman and Roy and she pulls it all off through the bar. She makes the girls go on fake dates with powerful men and they suck information out of them. Simple as that."

Riza then realized her mistake with Madeline.

"Oh, I'm a piece of shit."

"What?"

"I've seriously misjudged someone."

"What, you thought one of the girls down there was a whore? Please, they've dealt with worse than other jealous women. But it really is a horrible thing. You and I know more than anyone how tough you have to be to pull off a stunt like this in the military."

"I know, I feel bad enough already, can we just drop it? Oh god, what am I going to tell Madeline?"

Then the realization hit Rebecca.

"Ahhhhhh. I see what this is." Rebecca grinned knowingly. "This is about a certain double d beauty hanging onto your man downstairs. Isn't it?"

"Rebecca, I have no idea what you're talking about." Riza stated, finally composing herself.

"We'll I'll bug you about it later, have no doubt about that. But Christmas assumed you were up to speed with everything so I don't have a lot of time to brief you in on everything and get you all dolled up."

"All dolled up?"

"Well you said you'd help Christmas out tonight with Kimblee and you can't very well go around fooling him looking like that!"

Riza frowned and looked at her clothing.

"What's wrong with what I look like?" She asked defensively.

"There's nothing wrong with it in real life, there's something wrong with trying to seduce men with it."

"I'll have you know—"

"Not now, Riza. It's gotten bad. The government is completely corrupt."

"I could have told you that."

"King Bradley...We have reason to suspect that not only did he commission the creation of the virus but he intentionally spread it. And the walls around the North? Well they're currently being heavily fortified and they're shutting the gates. Riza, we're shutting down our boarders to innocent and healthy people. It isn't right." Riza sat horrified at what Rebecca had just told her.

"That's awful. It explains why entering North City was so difficult. But why is Kimblee coming here tonight? And more importantly, why is he out of jail? The things he did in Ishval are unforgivable to anyone, especially a Parole officer."

"Well just so you know, you had it easy entering the North because Armstrong commanded it. And you'd probably guess it, but Kimblee was officially pardoned by the Fuhrer himself. He's been seen at other bars lately, especially strip clubs. That's why there's a stage downstairs tonight. We know he has a thing for the uniforms so we're all going out in fake skanky military or police uniforms that have gun holsters and handcuffs and everyone thinks they're fake, but they're real." Rebecca said as she put some eyeliner on herself.

"Does Roy know all of this?"

"Well he called a few days ago back when you called me and we all assumed that he'd just tell you what's going on."

"Well, he didn't."

"I'm sure he has his reasons."

"That's rich. Catalina defending the Colonel."

"I never thought I'd do that." Rebecca said with an uncomfortable laugh. She knew her friend was upset that the Colonel Bastard didn't tell her what was up, but she didn't really know how to react.

"I need to talk to him."

"You will, let's get you dressed though. but, now that you know what this operation really is, are you still okay with it? You don't have to help out if you don't want to."

"Rebecca, we need to get Kimblee tonight at all costs."

"Yeah, he's a monster." Riza nodded.

"I sort of need to talk to the Colonel right now. I'll be right back to get changed."

"Okay, I'll go get him, if you want."

"Sure, that'd be great."

Riza waited in the dressing room for a few minutes, looking at her reflections. She looked at her outfit. It was pretty simple, but now she was embarrassed about it. She never thought of herself as sexy but she never thought about herself as un-sexy. Something about Rebecca criticizing her for wearing it while seducing a man ticked her off. _It's not like I'm seducing anybody_.

Riza heard a knock at the door. She opened it and saw her commanding officer. He looked the same but smelled like alcohol and tobacco a bit more.

"I'm sorry Colonel, I'll let you get back but I had to tell you that the Crimson Alchemist is supposed to be here later tonight. I'm going to help out here and try to get a hold of him."

"Hawkeye, I don't know... That sounds dangerous and I can't have you getting hurt or anything at a time like this." He responded, scratching the back of his neck.

"Sir, first off, I can take care of myself and second, don't you remember the gift that Kimblee was given by the end of the war by Fuhrer Bradley? And do you happen to remember the key ingredient to the virus' infection?" Roy abruptly stopped his scratching. He got significantly paler.

"Holy shit. Kimblee's coming and he has the Philosopher's stone."


	9. Sniper Turned Striper

Roy went to make a phone call to the rest of the team. The most important thing he needed from the team was Kain working so that they never broke contact with Riza.

"Sir, Grumman called and asked us to tell you that he needs to speak to the lieutenant, but he can't stop by the bar because it's too suspicious. We're moving as fast as possible to set up communication but we're still going to need maybe an hour before I can drop off the ear piece and explain the device to Riza." Kain replied on the phone.

"That's okay, we don't want any military people in the area or it will scare him away. Be sure you are the one who comes, you look the least likely to be military, and come in civilian clothing." Kain sighed at the indirect insult, then replied.

"Yes, sir! Is that all, sir?"

"Yes, that is all." Roy hung the phone up.

He lingered, staring at the phone for awhile. How am I going to watch the woman closest to me dressed in a stripper uniform in public give, arguably, the most dangerous man in Amestris a lapdance. It was almost more than Roy could handle, but he had to set his feelings and worries for his lieutenant aside and trust her. Trust her to save the country if she manages to pull this off. Oh please, let her come out of this safely. Please.

He heard a knock from the door and finally stirred.

"Come in."

"Oh, sir!" The lieutenant saluted. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but this is the dressing room so...we kind of need it to get ready."

"No problem, Hawkeye. I'll be out of your way." Riza and Rebecca walked in. Rebecca's hands were filled with a huge makeup box.

"Thanks Colonel." Rebecca said with a nod, forgoing a salute because she would have dropped the box.

"Oh, Hawkeye."

"Yes, sir?"

"Kain will be here shortly to go over communications."

"yes, sir."

* * *

><p>He shut the door behind him and walked downstairs. He travelled behind the bar to pour himself some whiskey and then grabbed a seat at the edge of the bar. He sat there thinking about a lot of things. He thought about the Fuhrer, he thought about the virus, he thought about the operation, but all of those thoughts were just a horrible attempt to distract him from Riza. Riza, Riza, Riza. It's all for Riza. I don't want a thing in the world, but Riza. But it doesn't matter what I want, you ruined Ishval, you brutally murdered innocent people. You have no say in what you want, you are going to save civilians now. It's the only thing that you have left to do.<p>

His thoughts were interrupted by a girl who joined him by the bar. She was pretty. Her blonde hair was in a bun and her green eyes were heavily surrounded by makeup. She wore a little black dress with red pumps. To the Colonel, the most beautiful thing about the girl was her similarity to Riza. Trying to regain a sense of familiarity in his life, he figured he'd flirt with the girl for awhile. He didn't recognize her as one of Christmas' girls, which slightly worried him. It's strip night sunday what woman in the right mind would come to this.

"Hey there." She said in a sultry tone.

"Why, hello." He said smoothly, turning from his drink to take another look at her. "What's a pretty girl like you doing here all by yourself?" She laughed dryly.

"trying, and failing to get a drink." She said as she lifted herself off the stool to take a better look down the bar to search for a bartender. There were two girls on the other side, busily attending to other customers.

"Here, allow me." Roy walked over to the other side of the bar. "What will it be for you tonight, my lady?" She blushed and Roy internally kicked himself for using such a repulsive line.

"Are you sure that's legal?" She asked, laughing.

"No, but I like to live on the wild side." He said with a growl. Of course, it was completely legal for him to be getting this woman a drink, as he partially worked in the bar, and he in fact actively avoided living on the wild side.

"well I'll take a straight up martini. Shaken, please."

"Yeah? Perfect, Dry, or?"

"Wet."

"How wet."

"Dripping." They maintained fierce eye contact for a few moments, then Roy broke it with a smirk. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw someone running up the stairs, but he ignored it. He started suggestively shaking the cocktail for his guest.

* * *

><p>"Rebecca, just try and make me look sane." Riza said, sorting through some shoes.<p>

"We're all looking crazy, that's the point."

"I know, but can we maintain a sliver of dignity?"

"I don't know what you mean. There's nothing humiliating about being sexual or being a sexy cop or whatever. We're trying to save lives." Riza's expression softened.

"I guess I've never really thought about it like that."

"That's the patriarchy for you. I won't let anything stop me from taking pride in my work." Rebecca firmly stated, adjusting a cop hat on her hair. "What do you think?" She was sitting by the mirror with a tiny dress that said SWAT across the chest. The had a vest that was only halfway zipped to reveal cleavage. She wore a belt with handcuffs attached to the back and two guns holsters on it.

"Damn, Rebecca. You should switch careers." Hawkeye said with a smile.

"Thanks Ri. I'm sure you'll look as good as me one day." She teased.

"Probably not. Hey, I'll be right back. I have to go ask Christmas a question about my grandfather." Rebecca nodded.

"Okay, but come back quick because I want to do your makeup! You don't let any of Christmas' girls do it for you, you hear me?"

"I won't." Riza said, leaving the room. She closed the door quietly and descended the stairs. She stopped about halfway, half paralyzed. She saw Roy starring into the eyes of some girl she didn't recognize. Lust consumed both their eyes and Riza's heart dropped. She knew this moment would come the moment they started communicating with the North. Where there was civilization, there were pretty women. But it didn't make it hurt any less. When they broke eye contact, Riza bolted up the stairs. Her question for Christmas was irrelevant, anyways.

When she burst back into the room, somewhat out of breath, Rebecca immediately sensed something was wrong.

"Riza, what happened with Christmas?"

"Oh, it's nothing" Riza said, unconvincingly. "well, it's nothing that I want to talk about."

Rebecca had been best friends with Riza long enough to know approximately what happened. She had had to silently console her best friend before, when Roy went out with girls before the virus wiped everything out. She stood up from her stool and gave Riza a bear hug.

"Whoever she is, you're better. He doesn't deserve you."

Riza returned the embrace.

"She's so beautiful. I look like a lump who happens to be good at shooting a weapon."

Rebecca pulled away from Riza abruptly, with a pained expression.

"What the hell did you just say Riza Hawkeye?"

"It's true, she's so beautiful and feminine. I can never be like one of those girls."

Rebecca slapped Riza.

"You listen here, and you listen good!"

"Becca what the FUCK!"

"Missy, I don't want to here it. I don't care what someone else has convinced you, you are the most stunning woman in this bar by far and that idiot Colonel doesn't see the sex goddess that is protecting him, but that doesn't mean you aren't there, getting his ass out of trouble time, after time, after time!" She waved her hands frantically to emphasize certain words. "And what's more! You are not a lump, god damn it Ri! Girls would kill for your body! You're so fucking strong but you also have tits and ass and jesus you're like the dream!" Rebecca was so expressive that it was tiring her out a bit. "Riza Hawkeye you are literally the dream girl. That idiot has too low of self esteem to be honest with you, but that's not a reflection on you. He's the idiot. You're a gorgeous, intelligent and talented woman, not a lump. NOT A LUMP, YOU HEAR ME? So get your act together and put on your stripper gear because tonight you're taking down the Crimson Alchemist, baby! but it doesn't stop there. You're taking the Flame down too"

Riza was rubbing her face absently while taking in her scolding.

"How am I supposed to take the Flame Alchemist down when I'm trying to get him to the top?"

"THAT'S ALL YOU GOT FROM THAT?! RIZA HAWKEYE YOU ARE INFURIATING!"

"No, that's not it." Riza slumped to the ground and sat criss crossed. "It's just, I just want him to know that when he does that with other girls it just-" She looked at her best friend who was crouching beside her, stroking her hair. "it sucks." Riza said, letting her head down. "I'm not weak, but this man, he's just... he's got this power over me."

"I know what you mean, Riza. But I know what you are going to do. You are going to seduce Kimblee tonight, and you are going to drive the Colonel insane while you do it." Rebecca went over to the dresser and analyzed each outfit. "You'll give him a taste of his own poison. You're going to make him jealous of Kimblee and he's going to finally understand just how much it sucks to be on the sidelines. You're going to make those years of ballet finally worth something." Riza winced at the memory of those terrible years in her childhood in which she thought that dancing like her mother had would impress her father. She had gotten quite good. She was offered a scholarship to study in Drachma, but she refused. To everyone's shock, she joined the military instead. The grace she had from dance transferred over to her military skills. It explained her smooth combat and weapons skills along with her composure.

"Oh god, don't remind me about that. It's so embarrassing."

"Quit being embarrassed by everything, Riza. It's impressive! You can do all sorts of twisty things that I can't do." Rebecca then demonstrated by trying to pirouette and falling over.

"You almost had it that time. You just need to have a better preparation. Not to mention that you should probably do it in ballet shoes, not high heeled boots."

"I bet you 100 cenz you could do it in any of the shoes here." Riza smiled and looked back at the floor. "See? You're silent because you know it's a bad bet...You could totally pirouette in those. Hell, you could probably perform the nutcracker in those."

"I don't know about that..."

"c'mon let's get your outfit decided already. So I'm just acting as a hostess which is why I get to be so modestly clothed, but since you are the only one of the five girls on tonight who actually have dancing experience, Christmas asked me to ask you if you'd be alright taking the head role in this op."

"Yeah, that's fine. I figured I'd be the one doing it, anyways. This one is really dangerous, I'd feel guilty putting someone else in this position."

"It is really risky." Rebecca bit her lip. "Please be careful, Ri. I'll be out there protecting you, we all will, but..."

"I know. I'm not getting hurt. Mustang still needs me and this country needs to open its borders back up. I'm not going anywhere."

After some time, Riza finally decided on wearing a black body suit that covered her full back/tattoo, and tastefully spelled "SWAT" on the butt. It had a plunging neckline, almost down to her belly button. The plunge had little black lines going across it to hold the suit together, and leaving some "mystery" to the feat that was her boobs. She had a belt across her waist with various weapons and ammo disguised as props. She wore opaque thigh highs that made her feel much more comfortable. The top of the thigh highs were held by her thigh holsters, each leg containing one gun. Her laced high heeled boots which stopped below the knee concealed small knives. Her makeup was just the normal tacky amounts of eyeliner, formed into the cat eye look and crimson (ha!) lipstick. Her hair was down except for two pig-tails which were relatively low. Rebecca had called them handlebars, whatever that means...

* * *

><p>She grabbed a jacket mink coat which, unfortunately only reached her hips, to go and meet with Roy and Kain in the back entrance without freezing to death. She walked down the stairs slowly so that she wouldn't trip and when she went around the curve the stairs formed in the middle, she saw that Roy was there alone.<p>

"I thought Fuery was coming." Riza said, still making her way down the stairs. The Colonel couldn't form a single coherent thought.

"I-uh-he-uh..." the Colonel mumbled.

"Is everything okay with you, Colonel?" She asked dumbly.

"we-uh-I mean.." He responded.

"Well could someone just brief me on communication so I don't die tonight?" She snapped.

"Right uh-so-um-I mean..." Roy stuttered. He really wanted to be composed, but the way she so relaxedly wore the uniform...her entire chest was out and all she had to discuss was communication? She snapped his face.

"Colonel Mustang, sir!" She said.

"Um right." He tore his eyes from her, concentrating on the door, so he could tell her what she needed to here. "Okay. Where was I..right. So Kain obviously isn't here. He's back at headquarter doing something. I forgot what."

"Sir, you forgot? My life is on the line here and you forgot what the communications guys said."

"No I didn't forget, it's just. He didn't explain it all because he said it wasn't important. That he was working out the tracking device and the ear piece." He grabbed a small black box from his pocket and extended it to the lieutenant "Here. It's the tracking device. We're going to need you to put it somewhere on him."

"Isn't that a bit obvious, sir? He's going to notice something like that on him."

"Right but once it comes into contact with his body, it actually disintegrates in about 20 minutes as it spreads through his body and it will light up where the philosopher's stone is on him. It should appear bright blue, like transmutation light. And it'll leave a small trace of some substance...Fuery explained it to me but basically it's an element that's trackable through some radio business so he's going to be able to keep track of Kimblee. It'd be a lot more impressive if I could remember the details..."

"Well it's impressive on Kain's part." Riza said.

"Right. And here." He extended the small ear piece. She took it and put it in her ear. "It picks up sound and is also a microphone so we hear everything you say and do and you can communicate with us through it. You'll be able to hear us talk you through some things. We may give you some instruction."

"Um I think that the instructions are very clear, but okay. I'll do what you ask."

"Okay, lieutenant." She started leaving towards backstage to finally ask Christmas her question. "But, one more thing lieutenant."

"What is it, sir?"

"When I'm finally fuherer of this country. Once I make it to the top. It's my solemn swear that I will make all female officers wear that uniform."

She sighed. She really thought he was going to say something brilliant and moving.

"That will be the day I retire."

She walked away.


	10. You Can Leave Your Hat On Reprise

Riza stood backstage where she was due to go on in 20 minutes. Roy spoke into the microphone causing her to jump a little bit.

"Lieutenant?"

"Jesus! Sir, that scared me."

"Sorry lieutenant. Can you hear me okay?"

"Loud and clear. 5/5."

"Okay so we have a slight problem." Her heart dropped.

"What is it?"

"Nothing serious."

"Sir?"

"Your grandfather is on the phone."

"Shit."

"He's on the line in the dressing room, could you just answer it quick before you're on? He'll be on my ass forever if you don't."

"Fine. I'll be right there."

She walked on her tiptoes to not disrupt the dancers who were already on stage and made her way up the stairs to the dressing room. Indeed, Roy was sitting on the counter with his the receiver lodged between his ear and shoulder while he was taking notes on what General Grumman was saying. Roy spoke into the mic,

"Oh, here she is. I'll pass the phone over to her now." Riza walked from the door to the counter where Roy was sitting. She stood on the side of the phone box right across from Roy. He crossed his arms and looked away. Riza stood so close to him that his knees almost met her thighs.

"This is Lieutenant Hawkeye."

"_Sweetie! Riza I'm so glad you're alive! How are you holding up? Any grandkids on the way? Now that we have a crisis we need to repopulate, you know." _

"Well, _General,_" She put an emphasis on his title to return the conversation to a more professional topic. "I can't say that I've able to have children, it's been a bit busy." Roy couldn't hear what the General was saying, but Riza's response told him enough to make him laugh. She slapped his knee so that he would be quiet. If General Grumman heard Roy laugh, it would only egg her grandfather on more. "Is there anything specific you'd like to speak to me about? We can discuss personal matters at a different time, I'm sort of in the middle of a mission, sir."

"_Right, my dear. Well I called because I heard that you're on an undercover mission, and this happens to be my specialty." _

Roy sat throughout their whole conversation which was mostly just tips for his granddaughter. Riza shifted her weight frequently and looked around a lot. Roy appreciated her annoyed facial expressions. He knew she hated when her grandfather treated her too well.

"Okay, General, I have to go now, I'm on soon."

Roy heard a response, but couldn't make it out. Riza furiously blushed and hung the phone up.

"Hanging up on a General? That's pretty ballsy for a lieutenant." Roy said with a smirk.

"I'm on soon, sir. Is there anything else I need to know before I go on?"

"Please be careful."

"I will." She looked him in the eyes for a brief moment and saw a sort of desperation. "I promise."

"Have fun out there. Shake it well." She gave him a tough punch in the shoulder and then walked out.

* * *

><p>"Gentlemen please join me in giving a warm welcome to our new, no nonsense girl, our very own, Captain ChasTITY" The speaker emphasized 'titty' way too much. She heard her unit laughing lightly in the microphone and the Etta James version of "You Can Leave Your Hat On" start as she sauntered on stage. She posed when she was in the center and then dropped her mink coat real slow. She heard Roy say in her ear<p>

"He's to your left at a table connected to the stage. The one in the hat." She smirked at the parallel with the song. In the center of the "table" was a pole which she swung around. In her ear she heard a small "holy shit" come from someone in the unit. She then placed her back on the pole and lowered herself slowly, while maintaining eye contact with the man in the hat. His greasy hair was in a ponytail. She thought _that's kimblee alright. _Once she was as low as she could be without sitting, she crawled like a cat slowly towards him. Before she hit the end of the stage, she swung her legs in front of her, and supported herself on her elbows. She made a quick and small circle with her legs, ending with them both laterally in the air. She then began widening her legs into a straddle painstakingly slow. She gave Kimblee a sexy smirk. He returned it. Her stomach turned a bit, this bastard caused so much destruction, but she had to bring him to justice even if it was through these strange means. Once her legs were in a practical middle split, she shifted her weight to be on her elbows but in front of her. She placed her arms relatively close so that they supported her breasts, giving the illusion of them being way bigger than they really were. She bent her legs behind her, looking a tad awkward, almost like a frog, but she then started practically humping the floor. When she looked over at Kimblee again, he swallowed hard. If she didn't know any better, she'd say he was nervous.

She then stood up and walked away. She looked over her shoulder and saw a dumbfounded Kimblee. She heard Rebecca cautiously ask her in her ear, "Hawkeye where are you going?"

Riza responded,"You'll see." Keeping her movements slow and exaggerated, she walked off the stage and into the "audience". "I can't get the tracker on him from the stage." She strode right to Kimblee's table confidently. When she was right behind his chair, he didn't look look at her, but she knew that he knew that she was there. She slid her hands down his chest, mentally recording his measurements and searchng for a weapon. She found none and assumed it meant that he had the stone with him, then. He wasn't an idiot, she knew he wouldn't ever be unarmed. She spun around and ended up straddling him. She heard an expasperated cough in her ear and Etta James belting out "you can leave your hat on" which gave her an idea. She took the hat off his head, put it on hers, then leaned all the way back, her head almost touching the floor. She took that opportunity to put the tracking device onto the hat, and back on his head. She winked at him said, "Let me know if there's anything else I can do for you," and then got up to leave, but not before he grabbed her hand, slipped 520 cenz into it, and returned the wink. She smiled and at him, and then walked over to the bar, whispering, "we still need him to stay put for another 20 minutes. But I think he'll ask Rebecca for a private dance soon." "What?!" Roy screamed on the other line. "Why the hell would you do that he's a crazy murderer and you want to be in private with him?"

"Maybe it's because he has that mysterious bad boy quality about him." Rebecca added on the line.

"Lieutenant, may I have a word in the dressing room?"

"Yes, sir."

"Jeez, you're not her dad, you know" Rebecca huffed.

"Yeah, the Colonel wishes she'd call him daddy, though." Breda added in on the line.

"Why does Breda have access to this line?" Mustang sighed. Meanwhile, Riza was blushing furiously at Breda's words.

"Seriously? You just gave the most psychotic man in Amestris a lapdance and that is what made you blush?" Havoc added in.

"Jesus, is this a public line?!" Mustang fumed.

"I'll meet you in the dressing room in a minute, sir."

"ooooohh, use protection, you two!" Rebecca cooed.

"Of course we will, I always carry a gun and the Colonel carries his gloves everywhere." Riza dumbly said.

"Yeah, that's not what she meant." Fallman said.

"Even I know that." Kain added.

"My actual ass is on the line for you guys, a simple thank you would have been nice." Riza angrily said before ripping the ear piece out of her ear and storming up the stairs leading to the dressing room.


End file.
